Today, MRI’s and other scans can confirm that the language we use has a strong impact on children’s brains.  Neuroscientists have discovered that just hearing “no” and other restrictive comments can trigger the primitive area of the brain and release stress and other anxiety-producing hormones.   Conversely, hearing “yes” and a range of other positive comments builds the areas of a child’s brain that enhances cognitive functioning including reasoning, planning, and problem-solving.  Positive words also reinforce “good”  behavior and encourage curiosity, self-esteem and resilience, a key factor contributing to positive life outcomes.  Hearing “yes” also engages the neural circuits that enable social engagement helping children connect to others.  Encouraging words trigger the development of the higher brain functions and enhance curiosity, compassion, and a range of other positive characteristics.  “Yes” and other affirming words activate circuits that lead to the ability to handle challenges and feelings of control over  life. 

Too many negatives can inhibit a child’s curiosity which is the driving force behind his growth and development.  If we imagine how we’d like to see our children behaving in their classroom, most of us would probably like to see them feeling comfortable raising their hands and participating freely in activities.  This is more likely to occur if he has been responded to positively.  When a child hears “yes” at home, he develops trust and confidence in himself and his actions that carries through all his behavior.  We need to teach children without discouraging them.  We need to show them the way without negating their sense of self. 

Too many “no’s” make me doubt myself  

While setting limits is an essential part of child-rearing, it is important to try to do so without discouraging the child.  A child’s voracious appetite for exploring his world can provoke a cascade of restrictions about what is untouchable and off limits.  However, if we react to his behavior with too many negatives, we run the risk of his beginning to doubt his behavior and eventually himself.  Erik Erikson, the famed Swiss psychologist, referred to a critical stage of emotional development, “ autonomy v.s. shame and doubt,” which occurs during the second year of life.  During this stage a parent’s feedback is essential and can iimpact a child’s sense of self throughout his life.  When a child hears “no” too often, he may start to feel defeated and a sense of shame may set in.  Too many negatives can inhibit a child’s curiosity which is the driving force behind his growth and development.  If we imagine how we’d like to see our children behaving in their classrooms, most of us would probably like to see them feeling comfortable raising their hands and participating freely in activities.  This is more likely to occur if he has been responded to positively.  When a child hears “yes” at home, he develops trust and confidence in himself and his actions that carries through all his behavior.  We need to teach children without discouraging them.  We need to show them the way without negating their sense of self. 

The Yes Brain

Today, with the explosion of information on how children’s minds develop and the greater understanding of how cognitively capable they are, there is a great deal of pressure on parents to foster intellectual development.  What the research tells us is that children’s brains develop through their emotional connection to their parents. As one of the toddlers in You Rock My World says, “My mind grows when our hearts are connected.”  (could become a caption)  Studies show that children’s brains develop through relationships.  It is through understanding and responding to their cues that optimal development occurs.  In fact, studies show that being attuned to our children is more important to brain development than any structured learning activity.  When children feel secure emotionally and strongly attached to their parents, optimal learning can take place.  

In our anxiety and desire to ensure our children’s good behavior we often get lost in the loop of managing their behavior, loosing sight of the wonderful opportunities we have to help our children emerge from the toddler years with autonomy, esteem, mastery and competence.  We forget that we can work to instill in them a belief in their innate goodness and capacities, that will last them a life time.